I Hate the Red Sox, Please Help

I am a Yankees fan. I have been a Yankees fan since my father first traumatized me into it. I read somewhere that baseball teams are inherited and for me that was certainly the case. I was born in Florida, but that had no impact on which baseball team was supposed to be my favorite. My dad is from New York and he's been a Yankees fan ever since the Dodgers left Brooklyn. There was no way that his only son was going to support any team but his. Later in life I've gotten a lot of crap about being a Yankees fan. The first and most prominent reason was that since 1996 it makes you seem like a front runner, you're hopping on the band wagon, supporting an already successful team. Anyone who thinks that should go ahead and take a look at some footage of Yankee Stadium in the 80's and early 90's, it was a little sparse. All of the other reasons are just spin-offs of the first. I've gotten a lot of crap for not liking either of the two Florida teams. First of all the Marlins weren't added to MLB until 1993. Having been born in 1983, I already had 10 years of Yankee fandom under my belt at that time. In addition to that, the Marlins were in Miami, a full 5 hours from my home town. Second of all the Devil Rays didn't exist until 1998 so now we're up to 15 years of being a Yankees fan and we are now smack dab in the middle of the Yankees' dynasty. What kind of sociopath, half-assed fan would I be to change teams at that point? But I digress.

As a Yankee fan I was taught first and foremost to have dignity and class. Now, I know that there are a lot of Yankee haters that will point to battery throwing, bleachers being denied beer, and general taunting as proof that this class is certainly not how the Yankees conduct themselves. All I will say is that, that's what I was taught. Basically, since '96 it's been WWJD, what would Jeter do? I don't think anyone would deny he's a man with some class and dignity. Keeping that in mind, the party line was basically that we are Yankee supporters not Red Sox detractors. The concept is more or less refined arrogance. We don't hate the Red Sox, how could we? We don't think about the Red Sox, they think about us, and you can basically extrapolate that theory for every other team in the league. I was never taught to hate another team. We were Yankees, we were the best, and no other team mattered.

Unfortunately, in recent years I have given in to my own weakness. In recent years I have truly begun to hate the Red Sox. There were a lot of factors in this transformation. One, I moved to Park Slope, Brooklyn. For anyone who has never been to Park Slope, it has basically become a suburb of Boston. On any given block you are far more likely to see a Boston B, than my beloved NY. One time I was actually taunted for wearing my Yankees hat in a Park Slope bar by a guy wearing a Red Sox hat. I'm not sure if I can truly put in to words how frustrating it is to move into the city of your favorite team and still feel like you're rooting for the visiting team, but that's what I went through. Second, 2004 happened. No single sports moment had more cataclysmic consequences in my lifetime than 2004. I was never raised with any religion, the only thing that I truly believed was that God was a Yankees fan and he would never let us lose to the Red Sox. When 2004 happened my team didn't just lose, my entire belief system was shaken to the core. Finally, the Red Sox and their fans have changed. Prior to 2004 Red Sox fans were fun, they were self deprecating and funny, they hated the Yankees, but with a smile. After 2004 that changed. To be fair I'm probably not dealing with the same fans. That Red Sox acquired a whole new class of fans in '04, I've heard them referred to as "Pink Haters" which denotes the fact that prior to 2004 they didn't even make pink Red Sox hats and that's probably who I've been talking to. In either case the reality of the situation now is the majority of Red Sox fans I deal with now are cocky and entitled. The dynamic has changed. In addition to that the team has changed. In 2004 they actually had guys that I would be happy to have on the Yankees, Damon, Manny, and Ortiz. These were guys that you rooted against, but couldn't help but like. Unfortunately, Ortiz remains, but Damon and Manny have been replaced by Pedroia and Youkilis. I hate these guys, it's unhealthy and unfair, but I truly despise them. I hate the look of them, I hate Youkilis' batting stance, I hate that Pedroia jumps before every pitch, I hate their hair cuts, I hate their facial hair, I hate that they're respected, and I hate that they're names are even spoken in the same breath as their Yankees counterparts.

Again, none of this is justified, I'm wrong to feel this way, but I can't help it. This is what I've been driven to. To take a page out of Usher's book, this is my confession. I need help. I need Joe Buck and Tim McCarver to shut up. I need people who don't know who the Red Sox manager before Francona to stop talking to me. I need the Yankees to win the World Series again. I need to get my life together. Hopefully, with the help of my family and those closest to me I can rally. Hopefully, I can regain my class and dignity. It won't be easy, change never is. It takes a village to raise a functioning sports fan. All I can say is I'm sorry and I'm working on it.

Derek Jeter: Coolest Person Ever?

Last week Derek Jeter became the 28th major league baseball player and the first Yankee of all time to get 3,000 hits. It was an amazing day and just another amazing moment in the long storied career of Derek Jeter. Jeter handled the situation with grace and humility. He was able to inject humor and in a rare circumstance he actually showed a little emotion.The question that I would like to ask is, is Derek Jeter the coolest person of all time.

First, we need to define coolness. The act of someone being cool is somewhat indefinable. Confidence is certainly an essential quality. You have to want to hang out with someone who is cool.  He has to be good with the ladies. We all know it when we see it. So lets discuss.

Let's now consider a list of the coolest people of all time just to see what we're dealing with. This is the list as I see it in no particular order. Frank Sinatra, Keith Richards, Snoop Dogg, Humphrey Bogart, Jack Nicholson, and of course Derek Jeter.

Frank Sinatra is kind of the archetype for cool. He's known for constantly having fun, strolling around collecting vices without any real repercussions. He gambled, he womanized, he drank and smoked. All the while he continued to be considered one of the great performers of his time. He and his friends were the coolest guys around and he was in charge. They made music, movies, and a lifestyle. Frank Sinatra belongs on the list.

Keith Richards basically invented what it means to be a modern day rockstar. He did this in conjunction with Mic Jagger, but Jagger's dancing alone takes him out of the running. Richards has somehow managed to stay functionally messed up for as long as we known him yet he is responsible for writing probably the coolest music that we have. The Beatles were innovators, the Beatles were artists, the Stones were rockstars and Richards was the guy at the helm.

I hate to create a negative trend, but up next is Snoop Dogg. I hate to put two guys right after one another that are basically drug addicts, but the reality of the situation is a lot of the rules we learn in high school are the rules that remain firm as we become adults. With that said drugs are cool. As adults we are able to differentiate between junkies and social users. People don't want to hang out with burnouts, but you also wouldn't want to have a party without some beers. Social users are always the coolest people. Nobody wants to be the out of control guy at the party, but everybody would like to be able to handle themselves with a buzz. Snoop Dogg is able to do just that he's been stoned since at least 1994 and I suspect longer than that. Snoop is a gangster rapper, but it appears that no segment of society is off limits to him. He's been on "The L Word," "One Life To Live," "Old School," and been the star of his own reality show and he has never stopped smoking weed or being who he is. It's that consistency that makes him cool.

Humphrey Bogart might be the original cool actor. In "Casablanca" he was the picture of cool. Quiet, sullen, drink in his hand, but at the same time he could melt Ingrid Bergman's heart. Not only could he melt her heart, he was able to let her go. Think of what he was going through in that movie, he could lose his business, lose his freedom, lose his love, and lose his life and all the time his expression barely changes. This doesn't happen in a Keanu Reeves constantly confused by life same face, but rather we, the audience are able to accept that he truly is not phased by what is going on. If that isn't cool, I don't know what is.

Up next Jack Nicholson. Jack is slowly turning into Jabba the Hut wearing sunglasses, but that hasn't stopped him from being worshipped at Lakers games, dating hot young women, and making successful movies many of which seem to be predicated on the fact that Jack is cool. After his appearance in "Easy Rider," he became the face of the counter culture. The great actor of our time. We wasn't an intimidating figure physically he was all attitude. Jack got fat and it didn't matter, Jack went bald and it didn't matter, Jack got disturbingly old and it still didn't matter. It seems that his coolness like his soul cannot be contained by a physical form.

Finally, we come to Jeter. I think he wins because of what I said about high school rules. In high school who are the coolest guys? The jocks. No matter what happens we can't fight high school. High school is a time when society is being created in real time. It's how we all choose to act before human decency and intelligence takes over. So try as we might to fight against it those rules are always in us. In addition to being a jock he also has the New York thing. New York is the coolest city in the country and Jeter is the coolest guy in the city. There is not one club that he couldn't get into, no restaurant that would make him wait, no apartment that he couldn't get. In a city of lines Jeter doesn't wait in any of them. He's good looking, popular, and rich. Jeter dated the hottest girls in hollywood. He was with Mariah Carey when she was at her hottest, he was with Jessica Biel, and now he's with Minka Kelly in an effort to apparently stay ahead of the curve. Jeter is calm in all situations. The Yankees are the greatest franchise in the history of sports and he's the captain. If they need someone to speak, it's him. His jersey outsells all others and in this season when all people could talk about is how washed up Jeter is he was still elected to start the Allstar game. Finally, when Jeter hit number 3000 into the left field stands and when he hit 3003 up the middle to win the game it proved once again that he produces in the grandest fashion on the biggest stages. Jeter is the man. I welcome any suggestions.