I Hate the Red Sox, Please Help

I am a Yankees fan. I have been a Yankees fan since my father first traumatized me into it. I read somewhere that baseball teams are inherited and for me that was certainly the case. I was born in Florida, but that had no impact on which baseball team was supposed to be my favorite. My dad is from New York and he's been a Yankees fan ever since the Dodgers left Brooklyn. There was no way that his only son was going to support any team but his. Later in life I've gotten a lot of crap about being a Yankees fan. The first and most prominent reason was that since 1996 it makes you seem like a front runner, you're hopping on the band wagon, supporting an already successful team. Anyone who thinks that should go ahead and take a look at some footage of Yankee Stadium in the 80's and early 90's, it was a little sparse. All of the other reasons are just spin-offs of the first. I've gotten a lot of crap for not liking either of the two Florida teams. First of all the Marlins weren't added to MLB until 1993. Having been born in 1983, I already had 10 years of Yankee fandom under my belt at that time. In addition to that, the Marlins were in Miami, a full 5 hours from my home town. Second of all the Devil Rays didn't exist until 1998 so now we're up to 15 years of being a Yankees fan and we are now smack dab in the middle of the Yankees' dynasty. What kind of sociopath, half-assed fan would I be to change teams at that point? But I digress.

As a Yankee fan I was taught first and foremost to have dignity and class. Now, I know that there are a lot of Yankee haters that will point to battery throwing, bleachers being denied beer, and general taunting as proof that this class is certainly not how the Yankees conduct themselves. All I will say is that, that's what I was taught. Basically, since '96 it's been WWJD, what would Jeter do? I don't think anyone would deny he's a man with some class and dignity. Keeping that in mind, the party line was basically that we are Yankee supporters not Red Sox detractors. The concept is more or less refined arrogance. We don't hate the Red Sox, how could we? We don't think about the Red Sox, they think about us, and you can basically extrapolate that theory for every other team in the league. I was never taught to hate another team. We were Yankees, we were the best, and no other team mattered.

Unfortunately, in recent years I have given in to my own weakness. In recent years I have truly begun to hate the Red Sox. There were a lot of factors in this transformation. One, I moved to Park Slope, Brooklyn. For anyone who has never been to Park Slope, it has basically become a suburb of Boston. On any given block you are far more likely to see a Boston B, than my beloved NY. One time I was actually taunted for wearing my Yankees hat in a Park Slope bar by a guy wearing a Red Sox hat. I'm not sure if I can truly put in to words how frustrating it is to move into the city of your favorite team and still feel like you're rooting for the visiting team, but that's what I went through. Second, 2004 happened. No single sports moment had more cataclysmic consequences in my lifetime than 2004. I was never raised with any religion, the only thing that I truly believed was that God was a Yankees fan and he would never let us lose to the Red Sox. When 2004 happened my team didn't just lose, my entire belief system was shaken to the core. Finally, the Red Sox and their fans have changed. Prior to 2004 Red Sox fans were fun, they were self deprecating and funny, they hated the Yankees, but with a smile. After 2004 that changed. To be fair I'm probably not dealing with the same fans. That Red Sox acquired a whole new class of fans in '04, I've heard them referred to as "Pink Haters" which denotes the fact that prior to 2004 they didn't even make pink Red Sox hats and that's probably who I've been talking to. In either case the reality of the situation now is the majority of Red Sox fans I deal with now are cocky and entitled. The dynamic has changed. In addition to that the team has changed. In 2004 they actually had guys that I would be happy to have on the Yankees, Damon, Manny, and Ortiz. These were guys that you rooted against, but couldn't help but like. Unfortunately, Ortiz remains, but Damon and Manny have been replaced by Pedroia and Youkilis. I hate these guys, it's unhealthy and unfair, but I truly despise them. I hate the look of them, I hate Youkilis' batting stance, I hate that Pedroia jumps before every pitch, I hate their hair cuts, I hate their facial hair, I hate that they're respected, and I hate that they're names are even spoken in the same breath as their Yankees counterparts.

Again, none of this is justified, I'm wrong to feel this way, but I can't help it. This is what I've been driven to. To take a page out of Usher's book, this is my confession. I need help. I need Joe Buck and Tim McCarver to shut up. I need people who don't know who the Red Sox manager before Francona to stop talking to me. I need the Yankees to win the World Series again. I need to get my life together. Hopefully, with the help of my family and those closest to me I can rally. Hopefully, I can regain my class and dignity. It won't be easy, change never is. It takes a village to raise a functioning sports fan. All I can say is I'm sorry and I'm working on it.

MLB Goon

Baseball is America's Pastime. That's the claim. That's the phrase that they invented long ago. It's also the phrase that baseball fans cling to in times of need. Since baseball hasn't been America's favorite sport in years. Fantasy football, gambling, and football's appeal to the most primitive of our human instincts, violence, has long since made football our country's favorite sport. Baseball is falling short. The sport is losing ground. It's time to change. With that in mind, one of the things that bothers me most about baseball is the DH. It is ridiculous that we have a major American sport where different divisions have different rules. The American league having a DH is tantamount to the Western Conference having a five-point line. It gives American League teams one talented hitter and makes life tough on American League pitchers. In the National League the hitter gets one guy in the line up who should be an easy out, the pitcher, no such luck for their American League counterparts. Now for the rest of our lives we'll get to hear sure he's good in the National League.

My favorite team is the Yankees and while I should be happy about the DH, I am not. For years I have watched the Yankees best players get beaned with little to no repercussions. In my opinion to quote the Dude, "This aggression will not stand." While American League pitchers take a beating due to difficulty they get their revenge by beaning hitters. Of course this is probably not a direct correlation, but it is a reality. Sure an American League pitcher has to face a strong hitter instead of a pitcher, but he also has the opportunity to throw at the guy without fear of retaliation. To me that’s MLB sponsored cowardice. If a pitcher gets knocked around and gets his feelings hurt he is well within his rights to throw at a batter, but he never has to get in the batter’s box himself. It becomes the team’s problem.

For example let’s say A.J. Burnett loses his stuff and gets taken for four hits and three runs in an inning against the Red Sox. He can then throw at David Ortiz to blow off steam and to show the Red Sox that he demands respect. Ortiz would most likely not be happy about it, but he would grudgingly take his base. In the next half of the inning, odds are that either Jeter or Arod would get beaned in retaliation. Neither of them had anything to do with the original aggression, but now they have been roped into this battle and all because A.J. thought he was being disrespected. Now Jeter wants revenge, so the next inning Pedroia gets beaned, at this point the benches are probably warned or the pitcher is thrown out or there is an out right brawl one the A.J. could choose not to take part in. In fact he would be encouraged by his coach not to take part in the fight so as not to cause undue injury. Catchers are taught from Little League on that it is their responsibility to protect the pitcher. So to follow the example, now Russell Martin has to stop a charging Dustin Pedroia and again, all because A.J. got his feelings hurt.

Of course the proceeding set of circumstances is overly specific and a special case at best. Most times when someone gets hit, the batter rolls his eyes and takes his base, but when such a circumstance occurs it infuriates me because it strikes me as cowardly. Why should the pitcher get to throw at someone without the fear of retribution? I don’t mind violence. In fact, I think that violence has a way of keeping people in line. Almost every father since the dawn of time has threatened the life of the boy taking out his daughter. Why? To keep him in line, that's why. Violence is not always a bad thing. It has the ability to keep loud mouths quiet and to right wrongs. I believe that violence could be the answer to this problem.

My solution is two pronged. One get rid of the DH, it makes games last longer and it gives the American league an unfair advantage. Now, when a pitcher throws at someone he can look forward to stepping into the box himself to face a fastball in the back. Two, introduce the idea of the MLB goon.

Hockey has been doing this forever. Hockey is a violent sport and to insure that a game doesn’t just become a street fight on ice. Hockey has put in place stringent rules that prohibit other players from joining in on a fight. These rules assure that a fight is one on one. Two men settling a dispute, it’s almost gentlemanly. In an effort to protect its best scorers all hockey teams have a goon. He is a guy that is there specifically to protect its best player. If you want to take a cheap shot at the leading scorer on a team, said team’s goon will fight you. Tit for tat, it sounds crazy, but it keeps the peace. Well, except for the fight, but we all love that, don’t we? If you have a problem with the barbaric nature of this practice, remember that these are grown men playing with sticks, hitting a puck into goal while wearing matching brightly colored uniforms in order to score more points than the other team. This is a billion dollar industry and we all love it. What I’m saying is if you’re going to have a problem with violence in sports just think about the ridiculous nature of the practice in general, let’s keep this in perspective.

My suggestion is to use the goon in MLB. With the goon, if a pitcher wants to throw at someone he would then run the risk of facing the other team’s goon. Some guy kept on the roster for the simple task of beating up the pitcher and possibly pinch running. It would basically eradicate all of the posturing and yelling and back and forth that goes on when someone gets hit. It would be great; it could be like in “Mr. Baseball.” If the pitcher apologizes and tips his hat then no harm no foul. If the goon charges him at that point he would suffer severe suspensions and fines, but if a pitcher thinks he’s tough and just wants to throw at someone to assert dominance, then the goon will charge him and a two man fight will ensue and hey if the pitcher is tough then the goon might have to swallow his pride or get beat up. There’s a reason we all love the Robin Ventura, Nolan Ryan fight.

Now, obviously eliminating the DH would work without the goon. They are two ideas that don’t necessarily run in conjunction with the other. It’s controversial and most likely stupid, but you have to think outside the box if you want to compete with football.