Top 5 Worst Real World Cast Members

“The Real World” is just something I can’t get away from. I’m 28 years old I should be moving on. I should have a wife and kids and own a home, but instead I sit in my home for an hour a week and watch seven strangers picked to live in house and find out what happens when people stop being nice and start getting real. “The Real World” isn’t the reason for my arrested development, but rather a reflection of it. I personally believe that a person can be intelligent and functioning and still like terrible reality television. This may be more self serving than I’d like to admit. I think that railing against reality shows like “The Real World” doesn’t make you more intelligent. I believe that in a free market, competitive culture where someone else’s laziness and stupidity can only result in your gain, the truly intelligent people accept the culture around them, keep their mouths shut, their heads down, and quietly go to work. I’d like to think I’m one of the intelligent ones, but I’ve never kept my mouth shut and unfortunately, by my definition, that takes me out of the running.

With all of that in mind, let’s talk real world. The latest season of “The Real World” premiered last week. The newest installment is based in San Diego for the second time in the show’s history. I find it a little weird that the show has been on for so long that it is now batting around San Diego is up. They’ve revisited cities before, New Orleans, New York (3 times actually, New York twice & Brooklyn once), Las Vegas, and LA (it was called Hollywood the second time). Personally, I think that they should keep trying new cities, but I guess we’ll all just have to wait with baited breath for “Real World: St. Louis: The Reckoning.” Anyway, this newest installment has most of the usual suspects, good looking people eager for the fray too young to understand that what they think is neither important nor will matter to them in 3 years. There was however a stand out character. On the show you can be a stand out for good reasons; see Isaac (Sydney) and Leroy (Las Vegas 2) or you can be a stand out because you are over the top despicable; see Ryan (New Orleans 2) and the Real World hall of famer, Puck (San Francisco). This season’s standout is the bad kind and his name is Frank.

I haven’t had this kind of guttural reaction to a character since Tuco in the first season of Breaking Bad, seriously, how did we all keep watching that show after that guy chewed up all the scenery? Frank’s true genius as a despicable character is truly his versatility. He is many terrible things at one time. He is starved for attention, wearing a yellow bandana and Hawaiian shirt for his first encounter with his roommates, a move that truly says “look at me, look at me, please god, everybody stop what you’re doing and acknowledge the unconventional manner in which I present myself!” He is sexually confused, which wouldn’t be an issue if he would simply deal with it internally like a normal person. When one is confused or undecided on an important issue it is probably in bad form to loudly proclaim and celebrate your confusion while at the same time have an extremely heightened sensitivity about the situation. He is also trying to get into a relationship with the one person in the house who is already in a relationship and he is doing so in a manner that in neither subtle nor logical. He suggested that the object of his affection, Alexandra, and her boyfriend didn’t seem to be right for each other and he ascertained this knowledge after a day of knowing her and no time knowing the boyfriend. He’s the worst and that’s why he is both the inspiration and the beginning of the following list: the 5 worst Real World cast members of all time. Frank is number 5.

Coming in at number 4, Ryan from New Orleans 2. Ryan was truly amazing. While most awful cast members are content to be attention grabbing over dramatic narcissists, Ryan brought a certain flair and creativity to his role as worst cast member. Ryan was a straight hair dresser who enjoyed cuddling with the house’s lone gay cast member, the Rajon Rondo look-alike Preston. He had a fetish for playing with ears and blow drying himself while contemplating the complexities of life. At a glance he would have been the gayest man in the house, but he paired his quirks and behavior with a penchant for homophobic behavior and gay slurs. He would intentionally terrorize the house mates, hiding the lone car that they all shared, and at the same time complain that nobody liked him. He even attempted to blame a roommate’s stolen xanax on the season’s most popular character, Knight. Knight had recently dealt with an addiction to prescription medication so that added a special wrinkle to the move. Ryan was eventually kicked out because the other roommates flat out didn’t like him. Usually, removal from the house comes with an inciting incident, but only the truly horrible are asked to leave simply because they suck.

Coming in at number 3, Adam from Las Vegas 2. Adam had the blind confidence of a successful NFL running back. Unfortunately for Adam, he was in his mid-twenties unemployed and living with his parents in Maine. His biggest source of pride was going to a juvenile detention center for selling drugs and being able to make multiple women his girlfriend. He also used to the term “make her my girlfriend.” He would intentionally get blackout drunk and be a general nuisance. It was that behavior that eventually led to his dismissal. He was as calculating as nearly any cast member in how he wanted to be portrayed on the show, but for some inexplicable reason he chose to portray himself as an asshole. He was also predictably kicked off his first challenge after only one night. Adam proves that it ain’t easy being a gangster…from Maine…on a reality TV show…who lives with his parents.

Coming in at number 2, Neil from London. Neil personifies why people don’t like Europeans. He was condescending, pretentious, and very, very British. He fronted a punk band called Unilever and had bleach blond hair. Basically, he was a mid 90’s homeless man’s Johnny Rotten. He talked down to all of the other cast members until during an unfortunate incident someone in the audience of a Unilever show bit off a portion of his tongue. Then he didn’t say much at all. The incident was an instant Real World classic as told by Neil, there was a man in the front row screaming incessantly at the band so Neil of course did the logical thing and went in for a kiss at which point the man “turned psychotic and bit my tongue off.” It’s a rare instant when someone’s irritating personal attributes actually result in them experiencing pain, but luckily for the Real World audience that was the case this time and we all were able to bare witness.

Finally, the king of the a-holes, coming in at number 1, Puck from San Francisco. Puck was the first made for TV douche. He was a real trail blazer he practically invented the concept of being a villain on reality television. Since its inception reality TV has always had irritating people, but before Puck no one had attempted to be irritating. He set himself apart. Puck didn’t have to try hard to be awful. He was already a bike messenger in San Francisco with a DUI whose main interest appeared to be soapbox racing. That’s right he was a grown man who spent his spare time participating in a past time made famous by the little rascals and this was something he took great pride in. In addition to those wonderful attributes, Puck was filthy, he would rarely shower, openly pick his nose, pick scabs, and he would mention how bad he smelled. Puck was in the house with openly gay and HIV positive Pedro Zamora, they did not get along. Pedro’s need to keep himself healthy due to his struggling immune system was put to the test by living with Puck. A situation that came to a head when it was discovered that Puck had eaten Pedro’s peanut butter by sticking his freshly nose picked finger into the actual peanut butter jar, a scene that was certainly the most entertaining scene ever that revolved around peanut butter. Puck basically made it his business to bother everyone in the house and like Ryan from New Orleans, he was asked to leave based more on an accumulation of being awful than one inciting incident. The straw that broke the camel’s back was when Pedro gave an ultimatum; either he or Puck would have to leave the house. Puck was voted out and sent to where all reality TV villains end up, obscurity.

So, that’s it. That’s my list. There was certainly a couple that I wish I could’ve added. I have to say that honorable mention goes to Chet from Brooklyn, Brooke from Denver, Kimberly from Hollywood, David (ski-dob-u-dee-dob-u-dee) from New Orleans, and Wes from Austin who is only lacking from this list because he was not really terrible when he was on the Real World, but has since morphed into reality TV’s equivalent of the Dark Phoenix. I hope everyone enjoyed the list and let me know what you think.

Derek Jeter: Coolest Person Ever?

Last week Derek Jeter became the 28th major league baseball player and the first Yankee of all time to get 3,000 hits. It was an amazing day and just another amazing moment in the long storied career of Derek Jeter. Jeter handled the situation with grace and humility. He was able to inject humor and in a rare circumstance he actually showed a little emotion.The question that I would like to ask is, is Derek Jeter the coolest person of all time.

First, we need to define coolness. The act of someone being cool is somewhat indefinable. Confidence is certainly an essential quality. You have to want to hang out with someone who is cool.  He has to be good with the ladies. We all know it when we see it. So lets discuss.

Let's now consider a list of the coolest people of all time just to see what we're dealing with. This is the list as I see it in no particular order. Frank Sinatra, Keith Richards, Snoop Dogg, Humphrey Bogart, Jack Nicholson, and of course Derek Jeter.

Frank Sinatra is kind of the archetype for cool. He's known for constantly having fun, strolling around collecting vices without any real repercussions. He gambled, he womanized, he drank and smoked. All the while he continued to be considered one of the great performers of his time. He and his friends were the coolest guys around and he was in charge. They made music, movies, and a lifestyle. Frank Sinatra belongs on the list.

Keith Richards basically invented what it means to be a modern day rockstar. He did this in conjunction with Mic Jagger, but Jagger's dancing alone takes him out of the running. Richards has somehow managed to stay functionally messed up for as long as we known him yet he is responsible for writing probably the coolest music that we have. The Beatles were innovators, the Beatles were artists, the Stones were rockstars and Richards was the guy at the helm.

I hate to create a negative trend, but up next is Snoop Dogg. I hate to put two guys right after one another that are basically drug addicts, but the reality of the situation is a lot of the rules we learn in high school are the rules that remain firm as we become adults. With that said drugs are cool. As adults we are able to differentiate between junkies and social users. People don't want to hang out with burnouts, but you also wouldn't want to have a party without some beers. Social users are always the coolest people. Nobody wants to be the out of control guy at the party, but everybody would like to be able to handle themselves with a buzz. Snoop Dogg is able to do just that he's been stoned since at least 1994 and I suspect longer than that. Snoop is a gangster rapper, but it appears that no segment of society is off limits to him. He's been on "The L Word," "One Life To Live," "Old School," and been the star of his own reality show and he has never stopped smoking weed or being who he is. It's that consistency that makes him cool.

Humphrey Bogart might be the original cool actor. In "Casablanca" he was the picture of cool. Quiet, sullen, drink in his hand, but at the same time he could melt Ingrid Bergman's heart. Not only could he melt her heart, he was able to let her go. Think of what he was going through in that movie, he could lose his business, lose his freedom, lose his love, and lose his life and all the time his expression barely changes. This doesn't happen in a Keanu Reeves constantly confused by life same face, but rather we, the audience are able to accept that he truly is not phased by what is going on. If that isn't cool, I don't know what is.

Up next Jack Nicholson. Jack is slowly turning into Jabba the Hut wearing sunglasses, but that hasn't stopped him from being worshipped at Lakers games, dating hot young women, and making successful movies many of which seem to be predicated on the fact that Jack is cool. After his appearance in "Easy Rider," he became the face of the counter culture. The great actor of our time. We wasn't an intimidating figure physically he was all attitude. Jack got fat and it didn't matter, Jack went bald and it didn't matter, Jack got disturbingly old and it still didn't matter. It seems that his coolness like his soul cannot be contained by a physical form.

Finally, we come to Jeter. I think he wins because of what I said about high school rules. In high school who are the coolest guys? The jocks. No matter what happens we can't fight high school. High school is a time when society is being created in real time. It's how we all choose to act before human decency and intelligence takes over. So try as we might to fight against it those rules are always in us. In addition to being a jock he also has the New York thing. New York is the coolest city in the country and Jeter is the coolest guy in the city. There is not one club that he couldn't get into, no restaurant that would make him wait, no apartment that he couldn't get. In a city of lines Jeter doesn't wait in any of them. He's good looking, popular, and rich. Jeter dated the hottest girls in hollywood. He was with Mariah Carey when she was at her hottest, he was with Jessica Biel, and now he's with Minka Kelly in an effort to apparently stay ahead of the curve. Jeter is calm in all situations. The Yankees are the greatest franchise in the history of sports and he's the captain. If they need someone to speak, it's him. His jersey outsells all others and in this season when all people could talk about is how washed up Jeter is he was still elected to start the Allstar game. Finally, when Jeter hit number 3000 into the left field stands and when he hit 3003 up the middle to win the game it proved once again that he produces in the grandest fashion on the biggest stages. Jeter is the man. I welcome any suggestions.